Im back...

well....
is been quite some time i never update my blog....
actually i do have lots of things want to post on.....
but i was just too lazy....ive been quite some time never open my laptop to update my facebook also....
all the game inside never get update also....
since when.........
after i go taiwan....
haha.....
well.....
really feel so tired for the new job now...
miscommunication with my colleague and staff....
jobs sucks for moment being....
yet....i really dont like people who dont appreciate those thing that we did for them....
very tired.....

Bastard!!

I was so damn bastard...

i fall in love with someone that i cant fall in love with...

was really suffering when i saw him...

i just don know why...

just start from last two year,everytime i saw him i will stick to him so close.

i cant said like a brother,coz we really are some bother ( relationship )

for me he was damn nice to communicate...a nice person to date with...

but so bad he got girls friends.

Was really controlling myself everytime when i meet him.

few day ago he come to my home and look for my us to have a drink...

really enjoy the moment when i go out and buy something with him....

and when we attend the same wedding dinner...just sit infront of me...

i know!! is weird....but no worry...i controlling myself...

sigh.....bless....i always like a person that i cant fall in love with....if not it going to have a big problem....like world destruction?haha.....sigh.....

A marriage...

Few days ago...i attend my cousin wedding.

It was so fun...when i saw lots of brother is celebrating with them.

What was inside my mind in that moment...

I dont even know i can have a marriage like this or not...

Is complicated...

I hope when the day that i have my own marriage...

I will invite lots of my brother and friends come my wedding dinner...

Singapore....my hometown....my friends that i know...

It is really fun...you can play with them in the wedding dinner...

Sing song,drink drunk drank~take picture,cry together...

Giving Blessing by them...Cry infront of them....

Finally become a real guy that have a family....

I just dont know why i like it lots...but so bad...i know it will never ever happen in my life...

Was really complicated....

Choosing a way that never return is pain...but was a fate...

wondering...

Actually was wondering....when can i really have a proper boyfriend.

This is a question that i keep asking myself.

If i get it so sudden will i really go and keep it for long?

My friends has been telling me that keep on dating but dont have more closer relation if it was just started.

But the problem is i dont really dare to go and date someone that i want...

What i scare for? Got no idea on that.

My friend scold me that i always think too much....

It haven start but your mind already start to think lots of junk.

Those couple that i date before or their date me before....It cant even last long for few month...

Maybe i just haven get ready on it?

Been trying to go club and looking for it but...so bad i dont dare to try...

Coz i know it is just for fun...those people inside the club wasnt treat you in true heart.

When their saw your face...only thing that pop out inside their mind is...This guy is "FUCKABLE"

Thats true.all people inside the club wasnt treat you in true...their just need some one to fuck.

But if lucky enough...you really can get one...

I like sun tanning....know why?

First i like the color...second i like myself to get more attract...coz i saw lots of boy with nice tan color.Third...i like tan guys as well...dont you feel a bit more tan will be more great?

somehow...i already done tanning for twice...but i dont think is enough for me...still a long way to go...

Was really wondering...what those boy like...and what am i inside their eyes.....

A

Was really don't know what im doing right now...

Was it really a pure love...or really just a critical crush...

it has been one and half month...

ive been trying so hard to forget everything in this two month...

everything seems so right after the first month...

im happy...im working...im marathon-ing...im volleyball-ing...

but why...but why when i saw him i still cant forget him...

his smile...his joke...his words....his action...his anger...

the most unforgettable thing is...he so sweet and nice...

i recall every moment that we been together...

is an extremely short time that we been together...

but is just the way too sweet for me...

he is really are the perfect one for me...

he is the one who make me so happy when i can date with the right guy...

he is the one who i can really give my heart away....

he is the one who make me feel like so protected...

he is also....the only one....i cry for....

i never cry for anyone...anyone except those who treat me good and nice...

"we barely know each other"

this is the word that come out from his heart...

i agree what he said....i agree...although my heart was not...

he told me to move on...he told me to take time and recover...

time....recover...

do you think a broken heart can really use the time as a thing that can recover the crack?

no....

do you think a broken heart can use other love to cover the crack?

no...

DO YOU THINK A BROKEN HEART!!!CAN RECOVER SO EASILY??!!

NO!YOU TOTALLY WRONG!!

.......u been hurt me once....this pain...i remember...

but im not hate you at all...im not....

i know...as long as u are still alive....i still have a small chance to be with you again....

although the chance is less than 1 percent....

but now....

everything change...

you choose someone that...is more good than me...

more nice...more good...more...perfect than me....

when i was in the game...im keep searching you....

searching for your shadow...but....

what i get is....u already have it...the one that really can suit u well...

you right...my friends...

i shouldnt appear in court so early...

"time can recover everything..."

i dont give a damn on what time can recover everything...

i believe in escape the truth..the reality...will be more effective than time...

but i didnt....i was facing the reality now...

my heart is pain....

my heart is bleeding....

where are you...why when i need you to be my side...

Let me cry on your shoulder...

Let me hug you and talk to you....

Let me play ur ear and look at your eyes...

Let me just sleep beside you...

Just let me..........................................going back to the time that we been together.....can i....?

i had enough of lonely....

you are really the one who light me up....guild my way to a pure love....

i was....................................trying to cry for sometime....

but....i cant...........................................................................................................................i want to cry....

New

Since last time i post something on facebook said...i like him...no matter what i wont change.you can go on ahead to be friend with me still...or you want anti me also can..i wont bother...i am who i am still.

I was very happy when i receive some comment from my friends...although is just 3...but it make me so happy...one of my dear said no matter how it is i will still be your best friends Love ya!!one said very good!be the one who u are and not fear about anything! the last one i forget what she said already...

It was few week ago...since i post the last post....i was getting well and well...

Just last week i when to the meet up for volleyball i saw him...before i saw him i was inside the changing room...while im changing my Iphone was accidentally drop on floor and crack!

But when i look at it i didnt feel any sadness...what im thinking that time is...o...crack already...go and change the screen should be fine...

but when i finish changing...i walk inside the court i saw him...I dont know why my mood suddenly get bad...and when i look at him i feel like i wanna cry...

I never talk to him that day...although got chance i also don want talk to him...

I try to avoid him...i dont know why...i scare when i talk to him again i will cry again....

It was so scary....i try to avoid to play court with him...digging with him...just everything...i try not to do and said anything to him.

But he still that sweet and nice for me...his smile...his eyes....everything is so nice...but is no longer for me...

After the game...im on my way home...suddenly i receive a message from him...he said am i ok?im look so angry.I look at the message and thinking...why dont u ask when im still at the court...

You dont even treat me as a friends do u?u dont even want to open ur mouth to talk to me....after few message...it ends up like the same as before...he never reply my message...this is the part i hate the most....why dont u just try to said something to end up the conversation?

After that i told one of my friend that know everything about me and him,...he was telling me that...he already move on so do u....try looking for another relationship...or maybe just stop think about those thing.he already said he don want to accept another relationship yet so just deal with that.

Yes...since that day i told my friends how im feel...i was more better than 3 weeks ago...

Yet...im already start a new relationship....i think im kindda happy with him now...although it just few day only...but im fine with it.

I try not to think to much to let myself worry.i know i can do better than before....as long as he think im ok to have a relationship....hehe

Heart

Everytime...i try to forget him...but is kinda hard...is not that i dont want to forget...it was just hard to forget... Everytime i finish my thing,on my work,after my game...i hope my phone will have a message that is from him...how was the game...did u take your lunch...have you sleep well...sleep early tomorrow u work morning... But those thing will never come true again...and there got no chance to happen again...after the night...everything change...he seal all his emotion...he dont want to open the door again...he was afraid... I cant find anymore happyness on him...the smile on his face is the most sweet things i want to look for it...but is gone...the feeling of relax and comfortable after he bath...is still make me so comfortable...but is gone...the ear and the hair that i playing while i lay on him...is so soft...but is all gone from now... I try to tell myself to go and accept the truth...yes...i did...but cant last longer...today i might forget...but tomorrow i will remember again... ive been talking to him...he said he is fine..he worry about me...but what he said...he make me more worry about him...i was the one...that make him feel so sad,down and depress again...i know that...although he said he already said what is inside his mind...but i didnt feel any of it...he still inside his closet...lock it up...he said he just tired... maybe im too lousy,irritated...im want to look for him often...but i cant do anything already...a lot of people tell me that time will recover everything...but it will take a long time... ive been telling him that...if u want to know each other more...u have to tell me was is inside you mind...i do give it a try to change...i am who i am...i change bcoz of u but i am who i am still...why i said i change...because i want you to know...you are the one who i love with now...i do changers because of you...no one else can have the chance but is only you... im telling myself...you are still on my list...the number one that on my list...i wont change anything until i know that it was really no chance to have u anymore...then i give up... the way that u wake back home after u send me...is was far from ur home...i cant believe that everytime u look for me u need to walk a far distance with a leg that injure....i really dont know until i go and try now... i really hope that u are still in love with me...but this is what hope now...ive been somewhere to play...but...my heart juat cant accept anymore people except you...it was still hard for me...to forget you... Friends...is what we can use now...are you feeling sad now?are you cold now?are you hungry now?are you okay now?i hope i really can be there for you now...but i cant even do that now... you been said before...if you dont like a person...u will need sometime to talk to him again...it might take a week,a month,or maybe a year... what i really hope now is you are getting well...cheer up again...smile again.........talk to me again....i really cant forget the moment that u do a poker face to me...it was so funny...u are really stupid....the most stupid guy....i ever fall in love before... i will be waiting...the day u message me again...although is simple...but thats enough for me...is more than enough than anyone else.... i was in the place that we use to meet the first time...you will telling me why not finish the food...why....because...i was too nervous while im beside you...thats why i cant even finish a single thing that i use to eat everyday....i didnt tell you that on the first day...because i already does fall in love...with you...is not a crush...it was true.... okay...ill be fine after this...im having a break now...